Thursday, November 08, 2007

Behold: I am an Asshat.

Niobe saved my mood this evening by pointing us to "The Oracle of Starbucks" (and Niobe, being of Greek origin, understands about things like oracles, and we Egyptians do appreciate Greece).

Here is what the all-knowing one told me:

Personality type: Asshat
You carry around philosophy books you haven't read and wear trendy wire-rimmed glasses even though you have perfect vision. You've probably added an accent to your name or changed the pronunciation to seem sophisticated. You hang out in coffee shops because you don't have a job because you got your degree in French Poetry. People who drink grande capuccino are notorious for spouting off angry, liberal opinions about issues they don't understand.

Also drinks: Any drink with a foreign name.

Can also be found at: The other, locally owned coffee shop you claim to like better.


Heh. OK, but back off, Starbucks Bitches! I got my degree in English poetry, thank you very much.

5 comments:

niobe said...

I'm inordinately fond of the Oracle of Starbucks. Glad that your consultation was so enlightening.

Rebecca said...

Apparently I am a freak (because I order decaf coffee) or lame (when I spring for steamed milk). It's tough to be a cheap person who is trying not to caffeinate the baby... Maybe that's why I don't frequent Startbucks much.

Joe said...

Drink: grande coffee (i.e. plain old drip coffee)

Personality type: Lame

You're a simple person with modest tastes and a reasonable lifestyle. In other words, you're boring. Going to Starbucks makes you feel sophisticated; you'd like to be snooty and order an espresso but aren't sure if you're ready for that level of excitement. People laugh at you because you use fake curse words like "friggin'" and "oh, crumb!" Everyone who thinks America's Funniest Home Videos is a great show drinks grande bold.

Also drinks: V8

Can also be found: On the couch at home

Comments: I drink drip because I'm a cheap bastard. Yes, I can be found on the couch at home but I don't drink V8.

Scott said...

Aaah - the word friggin (the use of fake curse words) was a word I started to use as a curse in my early twenties; something I had created from the word frigate because it sounded just like swearing. Then I heard someone else use it and wondered if it was an actual word. Turns out it was - an old English expression referring to the female counterpart of a male 'jerking off'. And here I was thinking I was using a nonsense word to fake bad language and it turns out I was being as foul as I was pretending! Sort of takes the fun out of it.

Anonymous said...

This took all too long to find out, but here's my reading.

Personality type: Clueless

You don't go to Starbucks much; when you do you just tag along with other people since you have nothing better to do. You would like to order a Tazo Chai Crème but don't know how to pronounce it. Most people who drink Medium Caramel Light Frappucino are strippers.

Also drinks: Wine coolers
Can also be found at: The mall

Not altogether incorrect.
-Karen