Today is officially the last day of the first week of this cleanse. That gives me hope that it also has an ending.
We got a lovely dinner invitation from some wonderful neighbors for this weekend. Do I go, but eat first? Go, but first ask what they're making? Not go? Somehow the prospect of being invited over by someone had not crossed my mind at all, so not entered the planning at all.
I awoke feeling very weary today. Not really sleepy: I slept fine last night.
But with this illness I have learned that there are days where it is just harder to deal with the symptoms, even though the symptoms themselves may not be any worse. These are the days I find the hardest--where I most feel that I should buck up and do better.
But I am trying to practice self-care and self-forgiveness, so instead of forcing myself through work, I am taking an easy day: catching up on the season opener of Downton Abbey, knitting on the lace scarf I'm making for my local yarn shop, watching a DVD I got from the library.
These are the days when I find it hardest to imagine encountering other people, because I don't feel that bad physically, but it is still hard to explain that that does not make it a good day.
These are the days that help me understand how people with illnesses and disabilities withdraw from the world. It is not that I feel depressed, but I just don't feel like living on the world's terms today.
This is the kind of day that makes me grateful to be on sick leave, even though I am also extremely aware that everyone else is going back to classes. And if I'm being honest, also sorry for myself that I am in this situation.
But mostly it's not that: I really like being able to live my own rhythm, a rhythm determined not by an academic schedule--though that is there, too, as a kind of rhythm against which mine pushes. I notice the changes in the sunlight more, and what it feels like that today is so much warmer than yesterday.
I am conscious of living in my own head quite a bit, but not sorry about that. Granted, the realization can be jarring: I find myself almost offended by other people's opinions, once I hear them, as though they are an intrusion.
I am content with windows, not really wanting to put out the effort to dress in outside clothes, or move myself beyond the house. I am glad that I walked to the library yesterday, to remember what 11 F feels like, but the fact that it is warmer today does not create an imperative to get out in it again.
I decided not to swim this morning, because I did not feel up dealing with people, or putting out the big effort of a workout, or putting on goggles for that matter.
None of this is to say that I want this for every day, but for today, I am OK with it.
LAST NIGHT'S DINNER
Blend of ground beef and pork with a spice blend adapted from here (though I added 1 Tbsp green chili to her concoction, because I had it, and I used fresh onion and garlic instead of the powder: for about 2 lbs of meat, I used the entire spice recipe)
Rotel tomatoes with green chilis
Fizzy water with lime
Oatmeal with butter, almonds, nutmeg
2 cups rooibos tea
Taco salad, with leftover taco meat from last night, lettuce, rotel tomatoes with chilis, and olive oil and lime juice for dressing
Sweet potato chips